Love In The Time of Corona

“Think of love as a state of grace not as a means to anything… but an end in itself.”

― Gabriel Garcia Marquez, Love in the Time of Cholera

17 years ago today, I walked down the aisle.  I wore a beautiful, custom-made drennaLUNA gown in front of 31 persons who I felt had to be a part of my special day. 

The night before I was curled up in bed with my sister answering one of the most challenging questions at that time. “Are you sure you’re doing the right thing Michelle?”

“No, I’m not.” I managed to utter the words through my tears.

‘Abort takeoff!’ I heard the words loudly in my (Flight Attendant) head, but I didn’t know how to stop the plane that was barreling down the runway.

The following morning, I was married. 

Flaps down. Full Power. Rotate. Airborne.

7 years and 2 children later, I got my decree absolute declaring our marriage over. But we didn’t crash land. Instead, I’d say that our plane went into the hangar with maintenance issues, and we simply never used the right tools to fix it. We sprayed the body of the jet, we re-upholstered the seats, vacuumed the carpets and power-washed the engine. But we never referred to the manual. The entire time, our diagnostics were off.

I believe that we all miss opportunities when we focus on the wrong things. 

Why am I sharing this story?

Because I try now to focus more on the silver lining and less on the dark cloud. I learned a few lessons during my marriage and I’m learning more now, thanks to corona virus. And the truth is, I’m not just surviving my quarantine time at home with my children, I am actually thriving. (Thanks Nicole!) 

Here’s how:

Counting to 10 actually works.

Sometimes I have to count slower than others, but the ‘love is patient’ thing that we hear about, takes practice. I started practicing post-divorce, and my yogi friend Karen has helped me to embrace this new me. Cause truss mi! It new and it need plenty embrace!!! I find when I’m counting, it helps when I close my eyes and deep breathe at the same time. When I exhale and open my eyes, my kids are usually pretty nervous at that point. But those 20 or 30 seconds when I am counting to 10, give me the time to c.a.l.m. down. 

Perspective is a choice.

It’s a glass half-empty, half-full sort of thing. I see so many memes and comments about feeling ‘stuck’ at home. I’ve chosen to feel happy that we’re spending time together. Truth be told, I think my children needed to have me home at this exact time. I’d been ‘out’ quite a bit recently, between constant meetings, the just-concluded Christmas party season and my personal social life. And I needed to be more present to ‘see’ that my children were maturing on rapid in my absence. 

Love you, like you.

I love you in spite of the things that I don’t like about you. And because I love you, you will hold a place in my heart. A friend told me this about me. And my instinct was to feel hurt and offended because I didn’t understand that the two are not mutually exclusive. 

I love my children, but I don’t like some of the things they do. And I know the converse is also true. It had never really occurred to me (pre-Covid prison) that the 8 or so hours they spend away from home at school, is their sanity from me. The more time we spend together in quarantine, the more I am realizing that truly liking someone manifests when you spend time with them. Otherwise, we only like the idea of them.

The key to surviving this paradox is recognizing that love doesn’t guarantee precedence or position, and like is a choice we make. I am learning that this is ok.

Corona is a filter.

Ever tried to break a habit but struggled with an ever-present temptation? Unless that habit lives in your house, now is a good time to put more effort into severing ties. It could be a toxic relationship, unnecessary spending or irresponsible eating. You know your vice. But being away from what we’re accustomed to (now during quarantine), provides us with an amazing opportunity to see where our time and energy was being wasted. This is a version of self-love that doesn’t see us running to the salon or the gym, but it somehow has the ability to make us feel so much better. 

Memories magnify love.

My children and I have enjoyed more seated dinners together in the past month than we have had in years. And I say ‘enjoy’ because it has truly been a joy. Our busy worlds have collided and we probably wouldn’t have noticed if corona did not orchestrate this time together.

I have fond childhood memories of hurricanes – not because it was a time of joy, but because it was a time when my family bonded together, albeit by an outside force. I have watched as the rush to retreat to their own rooms to re-connect with their friends online, is slowly morphing into…”so what’s for dessert?” 

I forgot I loved you.

This global quarantine has gifted me with an unusual number of calls and messages from long lost friends and family. My gut has wanted to say “Oh if it wasn’t for Covid, I wouldn’t hear from you…” but instead, I am thankful to be called and messaged, and I am grateful to pass the love on. My love language is changing.

This morning, I even called my ex-husband to wish him a Happy Anniversary. He laughed, hissed his teeth and returned the sentiment. 

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

1 Corinthians 13:13