An Open Letter to My Son

Photo credit: Dwayne Watkins Photography

Unlike most of the lessons taught in schools, our children learn critical life lessons from conditioning at home. It’s the ‘what we do’ and not just ‘what we say’ that sets the foundation for the quality of the men and women that our children will become as adults. Early in my parenting journey, (and sometimes even now), I was honestly afraid that I would not be able to teach my son the things that I believed he needed to know. Things that should be taught by a man. It’s a real fear shared by many mothers who find themselves raising boys without the daily interaction and influence of their male counterpart.  

How was he going to learn to open doors for a lady? How would he know to protect her? If he only saw me doing all the door-opening and protecting, how would he know to lead and not to follow? Would he ever learn how to be a ‘good’ man?

Today, nearly 16 years a mother, I have done two important things, if nothing else. One, I have taught my children to talk to God and to listen and look for His answers.  And two, I have cultivated a relationship with my children where we speak openly and honestly about any and many things, including the tough topics like money, war, race, sex and sexuality, drugs and crime. Now, don’t get me wrong…I’m nobody’s fool. I certainly don’t expect that they will share EVERYthing, because that’s just how parent-child relationships go, but I do believe that our open communication makes it easier to deal with issues when they arise. And arise they will.

Photo credit: Dwayne Watkins Photography

This photograph here is one of my favourites of my son, for several reasons. One, it brings back the memories of some beautiful last days spent with a lady who meant the world to me. (Thank you Dwayne for always capturing such simple, yet poignant moments.) And two, it represents what many mothers want to be, but cannot always be to their son – his safe space. Here, my son hides ‘cutely’ in the place where he knows he’s protected – behind me. As he grows older, I know my protection of him can only come by preparing him for what possibly lies ahead. Real life – with ups, downs and lots of in-betweens. But how do I prepare him for a world that is as treacherous as it is beautiful.

Recently, when George Floyd mustered his last few breaths to cry out for his mother, mothers everywhere felt the anguish of her child in pain. Mothers everywhere felt a piercing inability to be able to protect the child she loves, knowing there is so much she can do, and no more.

Son, heartbreak is gonna come – but that is no excuse for you to intentionally break hearts.  It will hurt for a while, but I promise you that it will pass, you will get over it and you will be ok. I promise.

Friends will disappoint you. But don’t be vengeful. Instead, learn from the hurt so it doesn’t happen again.

One day, you will miss your grandparents. Learn everything you possibly can from them now. They are wiser than you. And me. 

No matter how good you are at something, there is always someone better. To thrive on a global scale, YOU my son, will have to be ‘more excellent’ at whatever you do simply by virtue of the colour of your skin, and where you are from. Promise me that you will never settle, never stop trying to improve yourself.

And last, but certainly not least my son, money will never buy class.

My son knows my expectations of him and though he’s at a stage that is more challenging for both of us than ever before, (we’re having teen fun) I like to ask him what he would do and how he would feel, in certain situations. This gives him the chance to think things through and choose his actions. We discuss offensive content in some of the popular songs he likes, and I challenge him to explain his attraction to some of his favourites. “It’s the beat, Mummy”, he says… followed by a conversation about the power of words including us speaking about the term ‘gyal’ and habits such as ‘psssssting’. “Would you like someone to call me a gyal, or sing a song about me or your sister like that?” I have asked him. “No Mummy.” Food for thought. 

Some days are easier than others, and RESPECT is a word that I use repeatedly. Respect your sister. Respect the helper. Respect your teachers. Respect the man begging on the street. Respect yourself. 

Outside influences are real – friends and their opinions, the internet, music and television, are all factors that I encounter daily, but I remind myself that I am molding a man of integrity and honour. 

My ground rules are simple and few:

• Choose your friends carefully. 
• Read as much as possible. (Truthfully, we struggle with this one, but I’m not giving up yet)
• Clean up after yourself. 
• If you say you’re going to do something, do it. If you don’t think you can do it, don’t say it. 
• Be your brothers’ keeper, but know what a true ‘brother’ is.
• Manners are a must. (…and ‘Hi’ is for friends and peers, not grown-ups)
• Words have power. Choose the ones you use wisely.
• Actions have consequences. (Nobody likes consequences)

The task is never-ending, but I’m reminding him less and less to check on his sister, not to push past her and to hold the door open for us. He’s still listening and I’m still talking.  

Michelle Gordon is a Parenting Lifestyle Consultant, whose mission is to help parents find balance wherever possible. Follow her on Instagram @b3bossmom https://www.instagram.com/b3bossmom/ and read her blog #LifeofMom https://michelletodayblog.wordpress.com/.