F#%k Fear

When I was in University I wrote a paper on why FEAR was a necessary part of life. I remember doing extensive research on how fear was a critical tool in helping to protect us from ourselves. I discovered that fear as an instinct, was the single most important tool that processed and identified danger, and alerted our brains to caution. 

Fear prevents us from moving forward.

But there is a flip side to fear. While it may protect, it also prevents. Fear prevents us from moving forward. Fear has held me back on several occasions, with one being so significant, that it’s taken me 8 years to confront its damage and attempt to move on. 

For those of you who know me, you’d be quite familiar with how proud I am of being able to conceptualize, bring to life and share with the world the Caribbean’s first ever, and most beautiful parenting magazine at the time. B3 was a dream that came true on a wing, plenty prayers and the undeniable support of great friends and family. 

We hit the ground running in 2012 with our first 2 issues and by the time our third issue hit newsstands, we were known as the go-to brand in the field of parenting. ‘Big’ eyes were on this tiny little magazine from Jamaica. We’d already secured a major international celebrity cover (a big deal in magazine business) and we had a few more in the pipeline. We were now earning the attention of the ‘who’s who’ in the baby and child industry both locally and internationally. 

My dreams of the bustling editorial department beside the chic boardroom in my loft-styled publishing office were in sight. I was all set to becoming the Caribbean powerhouse and a veritable version of Anna Wintour – for parenting. 

But then our third issue hit newsstands and I was stopped dead in my tracks. 

Little LC known on Istagram as @thelcshow graced the cover of B3 Magazine’s 3rd issue in January 2013

Cute little LC Lauren Campbell was our cover girl. The then 2-year-old was an absolute hit, long before she became the kid sensation that she is today.  The magazines were flying off the shelves and the name B3 was becoming increasingly popular. But that wasn’t the issue. (Pun intended.)  We had printed some 5000 copies, which indicated positive growth from the 3000 that we’d printed for the 2 previous issues. 

However, several days after being in circulation, I got a call from one of my team members asking me to turn to page so-and-so. Now, let me put this into context for you. On page so-and-so, was an article written by Latham Thomas. Latham Thomas was at the time, THE most sought after maternity consultant and private doula in the United States. She still is actually. She’s on speed dial for all the top celebs and clients who rely on her to guide them through their maternity journeys. Latham was a huge part of the world of celebrity interviews, high profile covers and exclusive access to industry deals and insiders. Little B3 Magazine  getting Latham Thomas to contribute to our publication was a big frigging deal! 

Anyway… I read through the words on  page so-and-so a thousand times, but I still saw nothing wrong. When he pointed out the error to me, my breath stopped. There in front of me, smack in the title of the article, was the word pregnancy…big, bold and misspelled as PEGNANCY. 

I died 3 times before I came back to life. As I write this, all the emotions are back.  

My head was spinning. It was too late to recall the issue since all the copies were already dispatched to our distributor in Jamaica – who received 70%. The balance of 30% was split equally and sent to our distributors in New York and Los Angeles. 

I died again. 

Now, you may think I’m overreacting, but in my mind, this was such an indictment on me as a professional, that it scared me shitless.  The scenarios that played out in my head were insane. 

Now can you imagine the shame I felt when having to face Latham with this stupid error on my part? I was going to be the laughing stock in magazine business. “Editor my ass!” Ha, I could just hear the comments. I had no experience in publishing and I just proved it. No one would regard me as serious. I lost my credibility and I became fearful. 

Sigh. 

I met with my team whose efforts to tell me to relax fell on deaf ears. While DJ, our Art Director was able to edit our online version of the issue, I drove downtown to our then distributor and took back every copy I could find. I shredded a couple hundred copies, burned another few hundred and buried the rest far away from my line of sight. 

You waan know shame?!! A gripping fear had taken hold. 

The worst thing about fear is that once you allow it to get its foot in the door, it begins to walk around looking for places and spaces to move into your life and set up shop. Fear feeds on insecurities, and insecurities multiply in an environment of fear. They have a symbiotic relationship. 

For a while, I tried to pretend that ‘pegnancy’ didn’t exist. After all, no one said anything about it to me, so maybe nobody saw it. It seemed the only people who noticed were my team members. And perhaps Latham. 🤦🏽‍♀️ She never responded to my calls or emails, and I was convinced that she had rubbished this silly little Third World magazine. 

But during my pretense of ‘pegnancy’s’ nonexistence, I just couldn’t shake the feeling of being seen as second rate. (Yes, I know… I was pretty hard on myself)

I became afraid of aiming for the top. I took ‘no’ as never, and started shooting my shots a little lower, because I didn’t think I deserved better. It’s a crazy thing when your mind starts playing tricks on you. I remember leaving a sponsorship meeting shortly after thinking that the no I had just received was because they must have seen the fateful pegnancy issue.

But then, ‘my core’… and here’s why I love them so much and why we all need strong cores… my core reminded me not about what happened, but instead who it happened to. Mistakes happen all the time, right? If it’s one lesson every parent has had to teach his child, it’s that mistakes happen, and there’s always a lesson to be learned. I certainly have said this to my children hundreds, if not thousands of times. But in this case, the person behind the mistake, the who, lost focus and fell down a rabbit hole. 

It has since become easier for me to share my pegnancy story, and after doing so with a small group of women recently, one lady called me after to tell me that her ‘pegnancy’ – a mistake she had made during her early twenties, led to a mediocre career, and ultimately an unfulfilled life. She said she carried that social burden all the way through to the point of our conversation. Her ‘perceived’ error prevented her from simply knocking on doors that were all around her – professionally and personally, all because she was scared of what others would think.  F#%k fear

So what to do?

Forgive yourself first. It isn’t as easy as it sounds, because for me, I kept re-living the experience and thinking that all I had to do was ‘x or y.’ Forgiving myself was the process of accepting that it happened, and accepting that I couldn’t change it – instead of trying to not think of it daily. It became easier to not be embarrassed, when I accepted that it was an error and not a lack of knowledge, or ignorance on my part.  F#%k Fear.

Then I reminded myself that I am a creator – I make things, and I make things happen. And the creative process lends itself to second, third and fourth chances. However, fear was making me get comfortable accepting less than the best. It made me afraid of excellence and that was not me! 

Identify the things that you are great at, and place your focus there. In other words, big up yourself. Pop your collar. Step into your own video light. This is an exercise in self-motivation that can easily be misconstrued as conceit or narcissism. Do it anyway. F#%k Fear.

I picked my proverbial crown up off the floor and placed it back on my head where it belonged. It had fallen off my head when I was looking down at pegnancy. Funny how I tell my daughter every day to hold her head up, and I had mine down for so long. The millstone around my neck had been weighing me down for almost 8 years, and the posture of looking down is one of unreadiness. Stay ready. F#%k Fear.

Share your story with persons who have your best interest at heart – your core – the persons who will show you the other side of what you’re feeling. Trust your core. They became my voice of reason when I lost all rationale. My core was able to re-centre and restore me. They also reminded me that other than the fact that no one really and truly cared, I had to figure out how to ‘get over myself.’ Today, my core has a running joke when one of us makes a mistake… “Yo, don’t pull a pegnancy…” I can laugh about it today. In retrospect, I think they were the missing ‘R’. 

Face your fear. You can’t fix what you can’t confront. Years later, I still am not able to re-read anything I write once it’s been published. If there are errors, tell me before we go to press, not after. Just this week, I forced myself to pick up the magazine issue in question and look at it. I had to, in order to move on. I cringed when I saw the stupid mistake again, but then I laughed. I laughed at how silly I have been, and now I’m moving right along. 

If ever you find yourself ‘pegnant’ with fear, here’s what I suggest; plain and simple – don’t give birth to that conception. 

F#%k Fear.

Footnote: Thanks to my core friends Norma Williams, Karen Phillips, Dwayne Watkins, Dwayne Jureidini, Brandon Ferguson, Thea Davis and my sister Kamille Jackson. They keep me from getting pegnant again and again.